“What if” is a hard way to live…



I sat there last Friday night in my house staring at a plate of food I couldn’t manage to eat. I sat there with my tongue tied thinking so many thoughts and I was honestly an emotional wreck. I let life hit me hard and I fell apart. It’s not bad to let emotions out… releasing them is actually a rather good thing to do for anyone.  I had a lot going through my head…

I  was thinking about this new adventure with McKinley and us having to travel yet again to go back up north to do more tests and see a genetic specialist about her possibly having some rare syndrome. Considering I would do anything for her let the travel planning begin. Oh the joys of life right… Another thing that weighed heavy on me was my husband he decided to take my brother on a hike and not just any nature walk but a freaking pointy ass high mountain top that you can fall to your death from…. My husband decided to climb Mt. Thielsen… pretty damn high, he even stood on “chicken ledge”… look it up its ridiculous.


I understand him doing this, but the fact that he also took my little brother….. 2 cool dudes in my life hiking a steep incline where people have fallen to their doom before. That was the cherry on top of my emotional break. I just need that sometimes, we all do a break of emotions to let us know we still feel. Probably the same reason why my outdoor junkie hubby climbed that Mountain top…

So I totally broke apart thinking OMG what if he doesn’t come home, what about my brother… what about McKinley and this trip it’s going to be so horribly expensive just for 2 days and then what if the doctors want us back again for more appointments or what if they say Oh hey glad you came here she is syndrome free… When you base your life on a bag of “what ifs” you are going to worry your mind away… I know this from my everyday life. I let those thoughts eat away at my soul sometimes and I break….

I really try to be the best mom I can be but it’s hard, it’s frustrating when you have a little person who cant tell you anything. Its hard when you have a little person who is so into anything with buttons or sensory toys that sometimes her obsessions get the best of her. Its hard when you see other parents sitting there at the park on a bench watching their kids with a freaking book in their hand. Yup I kinda want to go stomp my feet like a little person myself and tell them I want to do that!

I know this is my duty and my life and I’m all for it, she is my everything but it gets me in ways that only other parents who have been where I am would understand and that is hard. My amazing friends that I wish I could spend more time with don’t see everything I have to deal with. Most of them see me with this special little girl who just hasn’t had to have surgery yet… I really do have great friends wouldn’t trade any of them ever but my plate is very full and my time is hard to share.


 I’m the mom that hovers and holds on dearly to that little girl of mine because in an instant she can wander off or put who knows what in her mouth. She also finds doors fascinating  and tends to try to run to them and out of them without a care in the world. When I see my friends in public I can’t sit still and talk to them .. or even take her to a BBQ without the constant follow… she thinks the BBQ is some magical creation and she wants to touch it… yes it will burn her but her senses are different and she doesn’t understand when i explain OUCH…. that girl loves to move so I must move with her and away we go….

When we do go up to this appointment we plan to take her to the Oregon zoo…She may not get the experience other kids do being able to OOO and AHH over the animals but she deserves to go as well… same thing on Halloween, she cant tell me mom I want to be this! But she should get to dress up and be able to experience it. What if she does talk someday and tells me thank you for all of those chances…. My heart would be so full.

 Who knows she may even have a favorite animal when we leave… 🙂 … If you have ever had to travel for medical needs you understand just how hard that can be at times. It’s a challenge to find a hotel plan your route and make sure you obviously don’t overspend… serious life fun right??


There are a lot of things that could keep my worries at bay and products out there for moms who need some help with monitoring their little ones….I have had a lot of interest in the new device called Angelsense for kids who need some guidance when the parents cant be there… Below is a link to the site.. If you have this please let me know what your honest thoughts are I would love to hear about it, or If you know someone who loves or hates it…

I have realized that no matter how strong I think I am there are weak spots when you care about life and those around you. I could never be someone who goes completely numb I would lose myself in that action. I know that some days are better than others and I know that I have power to make things easier when they get hard just by my own energy… But I need breaks too and I don’t know how I would do this without my husband especially… He is so loving with her, when she looks at him you can see how much she cares too. Like most little girls she idolizes her daddy.

McKinley and Daddy… already driving

If you are struggling with thoughts of what if… and if you have a child that just keeps you in motion and you try your best I guess we need to remember that no matter how hard we have it and how awful that what if is there is really someone else out there who has it far worse. We are not perfect and we feel emotions that can get the best of us at times… Hang on and enjoy your bumpy ride in life… don’t let the what ifs control you and I will try to do the same 🙂



Angelsense link

 This is the product that I have thought about buying  angelsense for kids who have special needs, I thought it might be easier on my own self to be able to track her and hear what is happening around her while I’m not there. It seems pretty great actually, you can monitor your child with a GPS, you can hear the world around them and you can even talk to them… It seems great for kids and adults who have dementia and wander. Yes of course it costs a pretty penny but this is an answer to ease the fear of what if… and if that moment of fear is true we can step in and hopefully save our kids or our elderly parents who can’t talk for themselves…

Please comment about this product if you have tried it or looked into it or know someone who uses this, I would love to hear about it and know your thoughts…. this is something I think would calm those what if thoughts lol… but my main concern is my child taking this off…


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