Bad Days and Good

How do you tell her it will be OK when she can’t tell you what is wrong in the first place. How do you even know what could be wrong with her?… So many things to think about when she can’t speak to me… I can tell it frustrates her too and that for me is very hard. I have faith though in my belief that this little girl is strong and she will someday find a way to tell me her thoughts. But until that day she battles herself within and it worries me to think, what is going on with her right now?

As parents we often feel pretty ” in tune” with our children at early ages. Then they get older and some may be more independent in many way and we may lose touch. I myself do feel like I have that connection where I know her pretty well but with the complex things she has going on it can be rough at times… If you for any reason have a child that is non verbal or delayed I feel ya, it may never get easier for some of us but you aren’t alone.

I find myself staring into the endless nothing. I’m tired as heck right now. Last night we were in the ER until 4am with the little one, she got sick and the ER is fast it’s not a drive through lol. It’s like a cattle factory.. Taking it’s sweet time with you and getting pleasure out of the slow death that you feel while waiting. I have nothing against the meat industry  AT ALL lol this is just my way of explaining how crappy it is to wait in there….. Coffee is my friend today more than ever…

I’ve got 99 problems and bags under my eyes for days but here I am doing what good I can. I hope you feel good about the great things you do. If not, please take a moment to close your eyes and tell yourself thank you if no one else has. I know I told my husband thank you last night. We have a lot of doctor trips and appointments that he doesn’t always make, but he was there last night. So I thanked him, he looked at me rather surprised. Told me there was no reason to thank him for doing what every dad should…. well man not every dad would, so thanks!

After leaving there and hoping that she would snap out of this sick spell that hit her, which she hasn’t by the way…. I find myself in that trance of life. Where  you think of all the other faces in that waiting room and wonder what their story was… Maybe worse than ours could ever be….

We can assume the worst in people at times too. For no reason which is sad. I’ve done it and I know you have so don’t act like a saint… I try my best to not go there with my thoughts anymore, i try to be hopeful and helpful. Those things bring meaning to others and positive things come to those who believe in the good in the world. I can only imagine what we looked like to some of the others in that waiting room.

Both my husband and I are covered in tattoos, NO not head to toe like some. But ours show, we can’t hide them all. I know that society is more accepting of things like this now a days but judgement falls from all angles and well we got some looks let me tell you lol. I stopped giving a shit about those looks a long time ago and thank you god for allowing me to build up the strength to do so. I’m going to need strength like that in this life I have.

No one is perfect and no one should try to be it can bring out the worst in people. Perfection is a word and it can have meaning if you see it in a way that is good. I find perfection in seeing a praying mantis on a tree or when my daughter walked when we were told she wouldn’t. I find perfection in my husband when he finished his downhill mountain bike race at 39 and came in 5th. I find perfection every time you can smell the rain when it hits the sidewalk, you know what I’m talking about……

Don’t try too hard to be perfect, It will take away from the real you. I want McKinley to understand a life without standards and a life that is full of happiness… I think we all want that for our children. Yes we as a family probably take more trips to the ER and the doctor than most but hey we aren’t perfect and we make lots of mistakes in my house, let me tell you lol…. If i could make her a little bubble to keep her safe in and the germs away I would, things hit her harder than the rest of us… But I can’t keep my kid in a bubble, haha.

I felt like being in the ER was a vortex of sorts. We waited so long and my husband didn’t sleep he went right to work after, such a trooper! But being in there and seeing how everyone looks around and judges others when they are in such a bad place already is hard to see. I mean we are already in the ER and that just sucks so don’t glare at the person sitting next to you please, be nice and smile. Even in the times where it feels like you want to give up try to be positive.

I know I would have a hard time if she were hurting any worse than she was but I wouldn’t take that out on others. I would pray about it and probably question life in general but the reason for this post is if you are having a rough day you aren’t alone. Pull your you know what together and breathe. It’s going to be difficult you knew that, don’t make it difficult on someone else. Make it easier, make today worth it. Coffee is helping my day right now…. 🙂




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