Thoughts and Fears..

I often find myself wondering what she is thinking..
I of course wish she could tell me her wants and needs verbally and I would love to hear her say I love you mom. I dream of the endless possibilities with her and I believe that someday I will hear those sweet words from her.

I do my best for her, we all do. We are her support system. I wonder if she knows how much she is loved. Her older sister spends a week with us and a week with her own mother. Once she comes back to us you should see the joy McKinley shows. It’s rather magical.

She has had plenty of rough days in her life already and I know there are plenty more to come. I know that of course I need to be strong for her and support her in life now and in the future. For now I plan to get her an ABLE savings plan and then a Special Needs Trust set up to guarantee that future when I’m gone.

My biggest fear in life is not being in her life. I understand that forever in this vessel of mine wont always be but it’s my biggest fear for sure. I honor each moment getting to be “Mom” not only to McKinley but to her sister as well. I didn’t want kids nor did I want to be married, I always thought screw that! I saw too much heartache with divorce and kids not being good kids, I was a terrible child lol.

I met my husband on a blind date and 8 years later here we are… The oldest is about to hit 10. We are learning the meaning of being first time home owners and McKinley can actually move on her own. They as in the “doctors” told us she wouldn’t walk… Ummmm guess what guys she RUNS! No not very well due to her cerebral palsy but she can do it and that is a blessing.

Each day brings it’s own amount of chaos to the table. My husband just switched jobs and he loves it but he has to wake up earlier and our house is loud. McKinley is obsessed with noise toys. That kid loves pressing buttons for sure! She loves loud noise and music, she actually will stop anything she is doing when she hears Ryan Stevenson or TobyMac. They are both christian music singers and its beautiful to see her smile and listen to the music. I love her so much!

Most moms can relate when I say that Showers are amazing! If we get one lol. Often the life of a busy mom includes the go-go-go attitude and we put the littles first. We forget how great it is to have a moment of us time. Even if that is in the bathroom or the shower or the car on the way to work. If you live a crazy life sometimes work is even a vacation from your home life. I feel like that for sure.

I struggle inside more on my fears of her future and the only thing that can tear me apart is what will happen to her when I’m gone. I know she has a wonderful father and sister but she needs her mom. I’m the one who holds her when she is sleeping, I check to make sure she is still breathing, we all do that lol don’t tell me you haven’t. I need her too. She has made me a better person in so many ways. Thank you little girl, Mommy loves you.



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